Why You Are Struggling Right Now

I cannot believe how hard it is to push publish on this one. Even as I’ve completed this post, I still don’t want to say it.

You struggle, and so do I.

I used to think the only reason I should be struggling was because of some outside circumstances, or because of something someone else did to make me struggle. I always found a way to make my struggles about something or someone else.

That is a lie.

I used to think my struggles with doubt, and worry, and disappointment were because the world felt big and mostly against me.

I used to think that I was mostly good. Anytime I struggled inside, it was because of something that caused it outside, because I was just fine the way I was.

Turns out, I am really not fine the way I am.

It took some life and some children for me to catch up on this truth, to realize that I am the source of much struggling. I am self-oriented, self-protecting and self-exalting. I am insecure and worried. I have doubts and fears and I get preoccupied and angry. And I bet you do too.

The reason I struggle, and you struggle, isn’t because our good intentions were blocked by some outside circumstances. It’s because baby, we were born this way.

We were born with a sin nature that constantly beckons us to believe lies about ourselves. To believe that we are pretty good and doing just fine and don’t need anyone to tell us what to do with ourselves, thankyouverymuch. We have a sin nature that would love for us to just viciously ignore the truth about ourselves, and believe that lie that we are already good.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about raising our children, and about that occasional time where we’ve seen our otherwise mild-mannered boys get mean. We talked about the “look,” a mask of deep anger and violence that we’ve seen flash across their faces. My friend said to me, “I saw that look once and I knew that was inside of him.”

You are struggling right now, and so am I, because that is inside of us, no matter how hard we try to ignore it. It’s our nature. It’s inside of us. And no one is without it. And if that’s depressing to you, or if you have this thing rise up in you as you read these words, well, so do I, even as I write them! Something in me believes so strongly that I am already fine.

It’s my sin nature.

Something in me believes these words aren’t for me.

It’s my sin nature.

Something in me says nope, don’t need it, don’t want it. Ignore.

It’s my sin nature.

Something in me shakes its head, not struggling, not interested, don’t need it. Don’t need saving.

It’s my sin nature.

Something in you might be saying, “She’s wrong. She doesn’t know my life. If she knew x,y,z she’d know why I’m worried or preoccupied or why I get angry….” and your heart says IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.

 For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. Romans 8:7

I didn’t want to write this because I don’t want to acknowledge the truth, and certainly don’t want to remind you of it. But truth is truth and Jesus tells us it “sets us free.” And so I awkwardly and haltingly try to acknowledge that truth. I try to find ways to understand it so that this forceful nature inside of me that wants to say NO NO NO doesn’t win. I decide to admit that I struggle not because of the world or a bad day or hormones or someone else but because of me. And that’s a good place to start.