Last week we talked on the blog about relationships, brokenness, and some of the things we do to make it that way. Renee Johnson shared her own experience with difficult friendships, and then we talked about how we share our stuff and why we sometimes don’t speak clearly. I promised to share  a simple equation that will help you speak more clearly, and here goes:

1. You are frustrated. Angry. Anxious. Excited. Happy. Share that with a Behavior/Feeling statement. It might go something like this, “When you cancel our plans five minutes before we are supposed to be somewhere, (BEHAVIOR) I feel disappointed.(FEELING, try just one or two words here)”

This is so easy to write, but a little harder to put into practice. How do you know if you need to speak up? I try to think about a pattern of behavior and my feelings toward it. For instance, if my friend who’s always conscientious no-shows for a coffee date, I may be disappointed, but I don’t think she needs to know. But what if your friend does this three times in a row? What if you find yourself with resentment build-up? One way to know how you are really feeling is to take note of your reaction. Often, if your emotional reaction outweighs the present situation, you’ve probably got some baggage. You’re angry all day because your friend was late. A sarcastic comment gets you crying for hours. Your kids leave towels on the floor and you completely lose it.  This is what happens when couples say they divorced over what appears to be a small matter. They’ve let resentment build for years or even decades about big things without addressing them, and then all that feeling comes out in the small things.

Back to our example. Let’s take this statement to the next level. Your friend no-showing has happened several times, and it’s starting to really bother you. You’ve used a B/F statement but nothing has happened. To take it to the next level, let’s add the Effect: what you would like to see happen.

“When you cancel our plans five minutes before we are supposed to be somewhere, I feel disappointed. It makes me think you don’t value our friendship like we do. In the future, I would love for you to give me a little more notice.”

Now let’s use a positive example. It’s just as important to speak with clarity about the things you like and value, so that people begin to know how you tick. We often assume those we love are in our heads, and forget to let them in on how what THEY do, good or bad, affects how WE think/feel. OK, positive example:

“When you bring me home a gift from your business trip, I feel valued by you.”

Add the effect:

“When you bring me home a gift from your business trip, I feel valued and loved by you because you were thinking of me when we were apart. That feeling makes it easier for me to pick up the slack around here when you are gone.”

What’s happened in this positive situation is that you’ve given your spouse a way to understand how he/she affects you with their actions, and most likely, they will do that same thing again.

Challenge for you: The next time you are in a positive situation, use this formula. Try to think about ONE or TWO feeling words to describe you, and then bless someone with specific and positive encouragement. Try a positive one first, and then the negative one might come a little easier. It takes courage to speak straight, but the payoff is worth it.